WELL.... It has been awhile since I have posted! My last post was in China! Well..... we made it home! And so much has happened since then. I am not sure to even begin. We will soon be coming up on 6 months together with our little one. These months have been interesting, rewarding, tiring and HARD. I prepared myself for hard. Or at least I thought I had. But the things I thought that I was preparing myself for, didn't happen. Like a friend of mine said, no books could have prepared us for this! I am not sure what I was expecting, but all of the emotions that came with this adoption, I don't think I was ready for.
I have told a few people that some things have been difficult or challenging with Caleb. But honestly I haven't really had or known the words to use to describe how I have felt.
I was reading a blog of a friend today and she put into words so well what I have been feeling. She stated that she was not intending to talk negative about her son, only to give the reality of their situation. I have another friend that also adopted an older child, and she has said the same things.
We did not adopt an 'older' child, but I feel many of the same feelings that they are feeling. But I have not wanted to talk badly about Caleb or sound COMPLETELY insensitive when having troubles with my newly adopted son. So, I guess I am going to use this blog to get some thoughts out and speak about the thoughts, fears, troubles and CRAZINESS I have been having.
I had fears and worries about Caleb not wanting us on Gotcha day. I prepared myself that he may cry at leaving the orphanage workers and nannies. But that was absolutely not the case. He went right to me, no crying, no looking back. He wanted me to hold him at all times out in public and attached to me very quickly. He loved being held by Ian and playing with Kyleigh, but like we were told in all of our 'training', I was the main caregiver. I held, I fed, I changed diapers. I did this so that we could bond and so that he would know me as mommy. All went well.
The only time we heard him cry was when we tried to lay him down while awake in his crib, he DID NOT like this. But he calmed as soon as I held him.
Everything really went great until the end of the 1st week. The day we went to visit the orphanage, things begin to change. That was such a hard day for me and I think for Caleb as well. I remember that I could not even bear to post that day. I could not get my thoughts together to begin to explain what we had done or what we had seen. My wonderful and thoughtful husband posted for me. He even had to post again for me when he did the next 3 days together. (days 6,7,and8). I remember just crying for days, not really sure what to think or why. I did not doubt God's call on our lives to adopt this little boy, but those days were HARD. At the orphanage, Caleb never acted like he wanted the orphanage workers over us. He actually grabbed me tighter and wouldn't let go. I could tell he was upset and cried at seeing his crib again. The trouble seem to start when we got back to the hotel. And we had our first MELTDOWN. I mean a throw-yourself-on-the-floor, SCREAM for a solid hour kind of fit. He just started staring off (like he was thinking or remembering) and then MELTDOWN. NOTHING I did would soothe him. He didn't want me or anything I would say or do. From then on, his meltdowns, usually, came from not getting his way. But occassionally we would have those moments where he would just stare off before throwing a fit. I know this is probably very normal, but I just didn't know how to handle it. I wanted him to WANT me, and in those moments (hours) of his meltdowns, he DID NOT want me at all.
And have I mentioned that Caleb is a VERY ACTIVE little boy? He is in to EVERYTHING all... the... time!! So, I was constantly saying no, which would then cause more fits. It didn't seem like it would ever end, and I was scared. During this time, I was able to talk with another mama in our group. She was experiencing some similar feelings of just being overwhelmed, away from her other 2 kids (We both have 2 older girls, a boy and were adopting a boy). But I feel that God used her in that moment as we were sitting in a CROWDED room waiting to do medical check ups by quoting Scripture to me.
Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praise-worthy- think about such things." We know that God called us to this adoption. But at some moments they didn't feel so lovey and right. They felt HARD. And I wanted to just cry or complain in my frustration. But I needed to think about the things that were good, right, and lovely. Not me, in what I was doing for this boy.
But what God was doing in us. He deserves the praise. I want to think on these things. I want to think on the things that are good and praise God for allowing me to see His love for me and His children. Ian and I have commented several times that Caleb just fits into our family. (yes, there are days that he wants to aggravate his brother and sisters just because he can.... but there are times that it honestly feels like he's always been here. Only God can do something like that.
After getting home, I think I was just soooooooo tired, I couldn't think. I was irritable and snappy and my emotions were still all over the place. We had so much going on. Both boys had birthdays (pictures to come soon, with a recap of all the good things that have happened, I promise!), we started back with school. (We started a new curriculum this year, new child, and all DURING school.) I guess I was just too overwhelmed. And I think I can handle things on my own, and I forget sometimes that my strength can only come from God. Without Him, I get burnt out, stressed out, and miserable. Which is what happened. Caleb didn't sleep well at first, and I don't function well when my sleep is interrupted.
I did mention how ACTIVE Caleb is, right?!!!!? He likes to touch EVERYTHING, he has reprogrammed tvs, remotes, phones, he HIDES things... and thinks this is funny. He is a very strong-willed and slightly stubborn little boy. BUT, he is our little boy. And we are so blessed to be able to call him our son. We are so amazed at this bright little boy and how well he is doing. Even though I think I have had a hard time adjusting and trying to teach and parent him, he has done amazingly well. He no longer stares off like he is thinking or remembering. He looks at me like he is my 3 year old, mischievous, strong-willed little boy that calls me MAMA. I don't know if he really knows what mama is, or what that means. But it brings tears to my eyes to hear him say it. I pray that I am showing him what a mama is, and that I am the one that takes care of him and cares for all of his needs. I am not another worker, I don't leave at the end of my shift, and I don't pass him off to someone when I am ill, tired or fed up with him acting up. No matter what, I am here (good or bad). I am his mama and he is my son.
We have had a lot of good days, some not so good days. And honestly, some days have just been plain HARD. There have been days that he has been IN time out more that he has been out of it. He is learning, I am learning, we are all learning how to be a family.
I know God put us in this place. I know that Caleb is my son. I know that I need to depend on God for guidance, strength, understanding and patience. Without Him, I am a BIG mess! An unorganized, grumpy, mean, impatient, lazy MESS. With Him, I have a peace like I have never known.
I am so thankful that He has called us to this. Even on my worst days, I couldn't imagine life any different. (a little less CRAZY at times, maybe!) BUT with ALL 4 of my children under one roof!
Thank you God for this life and this opportunity. Forgive me for thinking that I have all of the answers and trying to do things on my own.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.- Philippians 4:13
